But there are not enough words to express those who are long forgotten. This pain. You… the "in-crowd" cannot understand. Having your head submerged under life. Breathing in air and still gasping. Drowning under your own existence.
And everyone else… They just don’t understand you. They can’t understand where you stand in this dream-snatching, hope-crushing, well.
You begin to wonder if you died, would anyone miss you. But to be missed, means you made some kind of impact to another’s life. But is that enough? Will you be happy knowing that death is the only time you mattered?
Let me tell you, its value is cheap. Because those who miss you when you’re gone will move on. Then what? The time given to missing you becomes less and less. Is that the memory you want? To enhance the already fading tragedy that is yourself?
How can you change this? Do you want to change this?
For some of you, you can’t. Because you struggle to change the one who matters. You. You’ve heard the BS before. No one will love you if you don’t love yourself. But it’s true. People don’t know why they avoid you, but they do. It’s unconscious. Almost magical to be this universally forsaken. And it’s because your presence wards them. It’s an invisible conflicting force, like magnets of the same charge. It’s there, and it pushes you and the world away.
Sounds stupid? Sounds like I don’t know what I’m talking about? Have you tried? No, I mean have you REALLY tried to find something about yourself to love, because that’s how the internal change begins.
If you want to break the cycle of hurt and not feel that every time pain strikes, you’re going to die, do this. Find one thing about yourself no matter how small and meaningless it may seem and start loving it for what it is. Your freckles, your mole, your art, your heart, your nails, your knees. Even if it’s just the way you fold sheets. Love it. I don’t care if you love how it hurts inside. Turn that into a positive. Tell yourself, “At least my pain keeps me wise.” Make that your truth and BUILD ON IT!
And everyday when you get up in the morning, and every night when you go to bed, palm you pain. Imagine it in the palm of your hand and make a tight fist. (figuratively if you must) Whether it’s something that hurt you today, or something that hurt you years ago. Palm it. This puts you in control and lets you know that this thing or things that’s eating you alive, doesn’t own you!
Close your eyes and repeat this while thinking of the thing/s you love about you. “I love you, and you matter. I love you, and you matter. You matter. And I love you. I matter. And I love me.” Repeat this. If you cry, pain is leaving your body and your heart is being refortified. You are changing. Growing! Bit by bit.
This will take time, as your gradual self-worth develops. And maybe your entire world won't change, but I promise you, someone is going to notice you. And they’re going to walk up to you and say, “Hello.” Giving an easy smile that wasn’t politely manufactured. It’ll be real. And you will then know…you matter.