My demons come to my door every night banging and ringing my bell just to ask the same questions. They play with my forward way of thinking by appealing to my logical side. It’s effective. They don’t leave until I distract myself of their presence. Well, they don’t really leave. They just camp outside the mind that is my sense of self—staring at me until it gets cold and dark before they begin again.
They’ll win one day. It’s that knowledge that keeps the “gift” I was given a closely held present from me to me.
But beyond that, there’s also my poor choice to let them in briefly over a year ago. When they convinced me to let go of my anchor—The Way To Dawn. It made sense at the time and the way things were moving, it was just what I needed to do in order to fulfill the wish. By doing that, it placed me at a disconnect with the characters and the series as a whole. I… I couldn’t get into any of their mindsets. Not for the life of me. It was plan dialogue that seemed manufactured in a machine that collected data on what they “should” sound like, but not what they’re really like.
The story’s mapped portions played like a soulless read made for heartless on lookers. The characters that some have come to love, relate too, and even take pleasure to despise had all lost their voice. I had lost their voice. It took nearly all year to get it back. I can hear them again. I can step into their shoes and become what they are.
And yet, I struggle to maintain that connection. Before all of this, I could hold onto it day and night, even in my sleep and place it in the farthest reaches of my mind until I need it again. But now, it’s like trying to pull a cart of lead uphill with a greasy rope. And when you fail you have to run down hill and start again just to get back where you were; writing a few more words, sentences, or paragraphs before you lose it again and are forced back to start.
All of this has caused the long delay of the book and it may even be evident to a VERY small few what I have mentioned when they read it themselves.
What are these demons? I can’t really admit them out loud. Their names and their purpose is not one I can admit on a serious level. As for my professional demons, it always stems back to self-doubt and the clear to see fact my style of writing and the story itself does not appeal to anyone beyond a room full of people.
Writing about this again makes me sound like a broken record. But it is a fact. Since this isn’t something I can do for a living (not that I don’t want to), I have to make due doing things that I can’t stand while being too tired to actually put time to this series. I’ve lost faith in what this all could be and I am now in a realistic place as to where it will be when all is said and done.
And all is said and done.
This is as far as the series will go. No, I don’t mean this is the end of me writing The Way To Dawn. It’s my anchor, though it no longer holds me solid like it once did before I broke the chain. But I can’t promise anything after book five. Seriously. Whatever the worst outcome may be when it comes to this, believe it to be a possibility, including a potential cease and desist. Darkness is not just a reality that moves around us. It also moves inside of us.
All I can say is the long time that it took to finish this book is unlike me and an obvious indicator for what’s to possibly come. I do hope to finish. It is one of the most exciting things I’ve read in a long time. Up there with some of my favorite stories too. I still have love for what I destroyed, moronic as that sounds.
Well, that was a winded return to the blogs.
As always, thanks for reading the first few sentences and the last. The Way To Dawn: Kingdom of Glass coming soon.