Though this is an entry to share where I am on this journey, it would seem it is not a cause for celebration. More like downright misery.
I’ve been broken for a long time. Something isn’t right about me and my existence, despite my efforts, it proves to preserve my suffering. I used to be a normal being long ago, but much like Batman (Bruce Wayne) and Derexen, we were broken at a young age. Amazingly enough, I still remember when the great dark change began. It merits no sympathy and I expect no one to understand it, but it’s how I felt… I was once a pathetic ten year old boy.
It was the last day of the school year, and as we were all lined up, being dismissed one after another with the teacher whispering our final test scores in our ears, I was confident I would make it too. I went last on purpose for the sake of my own expense. It was then I discovered after taking the city wide test in 5th grade, I had failed the test by one point. This halted my promotion. I felt crushed, but the teacher said since it was one point, my “parent” could appeal it. I felt I had a second shot. So I rushed home.
As I went on, I thought, it’s just one point, she’ll understand. I was close, and went up those stairs and straight to her room. As I explained the situation and how close I was to passing, I asked her to appeal to them. I’m not doing that, she said, saying in truth she wanted me to get left back since 4th grade. I pleaded, I begged, I cried, but that angered her and she yelled and told me to get out.
I went to my room and slide down to the floor, holding my head and crying. I was screaming so loud in my mind that it edged out of me physically a few times. I could not stop shaking my head. I could not believe it… We had our troubles before, but I NEVER thought she hoped for my downfall. It became so clear and hurt like nothing I ever felt before. It was one point, just one.
Fun lesson it taught me though… Almost doesn’t count.
Though I know now it may have been a ploy in my best interest, I could not see it then. This person has had a history of breaking apart my human portions and helping birth a demon. It isn’t all her fault though, only a “broken” would absorb its existence like I have. I was born broken. Broken, broken, broken. The incomplete mess that is me. Forever mistaken. Forever wrong.
I digress…
She didn’t explain to me at the time or even a day later why she made her choice. All I saw was betrayal and I was foolish enough to say during my break down, If you can’t count on your mother, who can you count on? It was then another lesson was learned… Believe in no one, only yourself.
Sadly, I soon find out even I was unreliable.
After crying and shaking for so long, I ran numb. I couldn’t feel a thing. I just lied there, staring at the ceiling with an emotionless wet face. I felt something… Something hollow and real. Faint and small, but not undetectable. Was it then the seed was planted? I will never know. What do I know as a broken? What happened from there I do not recall. All I know is that’s when my views of the world began to shift.
But all was not lost. In summer school I had a second chance. I felt optimistic for the first time in weeks. I was going to give it my all. I was not going to let anything slow me down. Care to laugh? I blew it again. After countless hours of studying, applying myself like never before, and blew it… by one point. If that isn’t funny… That isn’t funny...
Once again, I cried like the weak child I was. As a walked down the street at the front of my school with tears on my face, watching all the kids celebrate their glorious success, my summer school teacher saw me and called out. I ignored her at first. I figured it was already over so who cares what she had to say. She called me some more and I finally stopped and decided to hear her out, but the “woman” standing next to her saw I was ignoring her at first and steps in front of me and pushes me away saying to my teacher, no, if he wants to be rude, don’t help him. Go on, no one wants to help you now.
So I left. Maybe that was my fault. Maybe she was going to make an exception. Regardless, people give up on me fast. It’s the right move, I suppose.
I told my “mother” and she was unmoved and said nothing. Seemed like she didn’t care, so why should I?
I found out years later the reason behind this person’s actions (if they’re true) for wishing for my failure and it made sense. Except one problem, she didn’t tell me this when I needed it the most. My mind was already warped and my views of her and this world had already begun to meld. It mattered not her choices anymore, I could no longer believe in her. Not to mention the continuous abrasions she and several others caused me every day. How can you trust that?
At this point, you may wonder how this ties with my journey. It does. Even in a vain effort to change my own “destiny” I have never won…ever. Sounds like immature bullshit to most, but it’s the truth. Not once in my life has giving something everything I’ve got, yielded successful results. Whether it’s a game, a sport, a lottery, or even necessary life success, I always lose.
You can’t lose for so long and play optimistic. You just can’t.
For you see, unlike Bruce and Derexen, I was never able to shift my path into a favorable direction; only faintly tilt it. And as things are now, history is repeating itself.
It’s hard to fight when you have no reflection of success. You can’t think of a time when you put your being on the line and things for once went your way. But out of all things, I thought I would never be foolish enough to put my all on the line again, until I made this series. The effort is phenomenal, but it’s not enough. Everyday feels like I’m just living my life on repeat.
I went from five years of standing still, to nearly two years of being on repeat. Is it wrong to think my time here has long ended? I’ve been under this suspicion for quite some time and I do believe I was meant to have long disappeared that day…
Maybe I just don’t know what success is. Maybe I want too much. To me, wanting a thousand people who believe in what you do and support you is all I could ever want when it comes to this. That is all I want. In my eyes, a fine thousand is equivalent to seven billion. But perhaps I’m dreaming too big. Perhaps the problem is because I’m dreaming.
Then it’s time to stop dreaming… gotta wake up.
I’ve been broken for a long time. Something isn’t right about me and my existence, despite my efforts, it proves to preserve my suffering. I used to be a normal being long ago, but much like Batman (Bruce Wayne) and Derexen, we were broken at a young age. Amazingly enough, I still remember when the great dark change began. It merits no sympathy and I expect no one to understand it, but it’s how I felt… I was once a pathetic ten year old boy.
It was the last day of the school year, and as we were all lined up, being dismissed one after another with the teacher whispering our final test scores in our ears, I was confident I would make it too. I went last on purpose for the sake of my own expense. It was then I discovered after taking the city wide test in 5th grade, I had failed the test by one point. This halted my promotion. I felt crushed, but the teacher said since it was one point, my “parent” could appeal it. I felt I had a second shot. So I rushed home.
As I went on, I thought, it’s just one point, she’ll understand. I was close, and went up those stairs and straight to her room. As I explained the situation and how close I was to passing, I asked her to appeal to them. I’m not doing that, she said, saying in truth she wanted me to get left back since 4th grade. I pleaded, I begged, I cried, but that angered her and she yelled and told me to get out.
I went to my room and slide down to the floor, holding my head and crying. I was screaming so loud in my mind that it edged out of me physically a few times. I could not stop shaking my head. I could not believe it… We had our troubles before, but I NEVER thought she hoped for my downfall. It became so clear and hurt like nothing I ever felt before. It was one point, just one.
Fun lesson it taught me though… Almost doesn’t count.
Though I know now it may have been a ploy in my best interest, I could not see it then. This person has had a history of breaking apart my human portions and helping birth a demon. It isn’t all her fault though, only a “broken” would absorb its existence like I have. I was born broken. Broken, broken, broken. The incomplete mess that is me. Forever mistaken. Forever wrong.
I digress…
She didn’t explain to me at the time or even a day later why she made her choice. All I saw was betrayal and I was foolish enough to say during my break down, If you can’t count on your mother, who can you count on? It was then another lesson was learned… Believe in no one, only yourself.
Sadly, I soon find out even I was unreliable.
After crying and shaking for so long, I ran numb. I couldn’t feel a thing. I just lied there, staring at the ceiling with an emotionless wet face. I felt something… Something hollow and real. Faint and small, but not undetectable. Was it then the seed was planted? I will never know. What do I know as a broken? What happened from there I do not recall. All I know is that’s when my views of the world began to shift.
But all was not lost. In summer school I had a second chance. I felt optimistic for the first time in weeks. I was going to give it my all. I was not going to let anything slow me down. Care to laugh? I blew it again. After countless hours of studying, applying myself like never before, and blew it… by one point. If that isn’t funny… That isn’t funny...
Once again, I cried like the weak child I was. As a walked down the street at the front of my school with tears on my face, watching all the kids celebrate their glorious success, my summer school teacher saw me and called out. I ignored her at first. I figured it was already over so who cares what she had to say. She called me some more and I finally stopped and decided to hear her out, but the “woman” standing next to her saw I was ignoring her at first and steps in front of me and pushes me away saying to my teacher, no, if he wants to be rude, don’t help him. Go on, no one wants to help you now.
So I left. Maybe that was my fault. Maybe she was going to make an exception. Regardless, people give up on me fast. It’s the right move, I suppose.
I told my “mother” and she was unmoved and said nothing. Seemed like she didn’t care, so why should I?
I found out years later the reason behind this person’s actions (if they’re true) for wishing for my failure and it made sense. Except one problem, she didn’t tell me this when I needed it the most. My mind was already warped and my views of her and this world had already begun to meld. It mattered not her choices anymore, I could no longer believe in her. Not to mention the continuous abrasions she and several others caused me every day. How can you trust that?
At this point, you may wonder how this ties with my journey. It does. Even in a vain effort to change my own “destiny” I have never won…ever. Sounds like immature bullshit to most, but it’s the truth. Not once in my life has giving something everything I’ve got, yielded successful results. Whether it’s a game, a sport, a lottery, or even necessary life success, I always lose.
You can’t lose for so long and play optimistic. You just can’t.
For you see, unlike Bruce and Derexen, I was never able to shift my path into a favorable direction; only faintly tilt it. And as things are now, history is repeating itself.
It’s hard to fight when you have no reflection of success. You can’t think of a time when you put your being on the line and things for once went your way. But out of all things, I thought I would never be foolish enough to put my all on the line again, until I made this series. The effort is phenomenal, but it’s not enough. Everyday feels like I’m just living my life on repeat.
I went from five years of standing still, to nearly two years of being on repeat. Is it wrong to think my time here has long ended? I’ve been under this suspicion for quite some time and I do believe I was meant to have long disappeared that day…
Maybe I just don’t know what success is. Maybe I want too much. To me, wanting a thousand people who believe in what you do and support you is all I could ever want when it comes to this. That is all I want. In my eyes, a fine thousand is equivalent to seven billion. But perhaps I’m dreaming too big. Perhaps the problem is because I’m dreaming.
Then it’s time to stop dreaming… gotta wake up.
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